digestif | week 3, saturday

[ . . . and senri laughs - but it's not a happy noise. it's hollow, and ruined by a shiver.]

I c-can't. I th-thought about it, b-because I wasn't sure if you w-would tell me if you were going to l-leave him.

But n-now....

Ch-Cheri is going to lose one of his f-followers, and that'll b-bring him down to two. I need to s-see if he'll have someone. B-Bambi is worried about C-Cunning, who might not have a follower if they d-didn't talk to other gods.

But even m-my god... I n-need to make sure they have someone aligned with them.

It's s-s-so stupid... I c-can't take care of this many p-people, but I d-don't know how to stop trying....

If you try to save everyone, you'll lose everyone.

[ if he's being honest about this, he should at least know that much. ]

If I die next week, what will you do? Will you sacrifice Beauty-kun to protect Sincerity? Or the other way around? What if you get killed from stretching yourself too thin like this and leave both of them with no one? You say you're serious about wanting to protect Tamaki-kun, and you know you can't do it all, but you're still not willing to give up anything for it. That's naive.

[ their tone is similar to when they'd spoken to him after last week's trial and confessed what they'd done: cool, businesslike. This time, though, there's a tinge of irritation to it that wasn't there before. ]

Maybe you already know that, though. Are you a good actor, Nito-kun?

[senri looks surprised for a second - and then he just huffs out a laugh, sad and tired]

... I'm the b-b-best that I know. I wouldn't go to the academy that I d-do if I didn't have my t-talent. I'm the star of the th-theater, and I'm p-proud of it. Or I was until... I f-found out there might b-be someone better than me, here.

[senri's gaze falls elsewhere for a second]

I thought about it when D-Dizzy said that - if she knew what she c-c-could be doing to me.

[and then he'll look back up to Mizuki, almost as if resigned]

D-Do you suspect me now? I'm not the smartest p-person here but... I'm not s-stupid. Even though I think this th-theory is....

P-Pretty stupid.

[ in fact, they've suspected him since they used their ability on him - it wasn't just because he was a convenient, close-by target. He has connections to so many gods and so many people. That wasn't enough to suspect him by itself, but Ambition's words have them suspicious now.

Not that they're about to say that. He has some dirt on them, so they have to be careful. They smile, and look a little more like their usual self. ]

Hah... No, not exactly. But I wanted to see what your response would be if I asked you that question. It was interesting... Did I scare you?

[ a beat. ]

Ah, but the other things I said - I was serious about those. And I'm really serious about protecting Beauty-kun, so don't get him in trouble.

.... you d-did.

[and senri will take a second to think about his words next.]

... I'm not g-going to make any more t-trouble for him. B-Because if I defect to him, and his other follower I don't know l-leaves... and p-people get the trial wrong - he'd have to ch-choose between me and you. And I c-can't make him do that. I won't.

[tamaki is too soft for that - and senri sounds pained just at the idea.]

..... I c-can't ask you to trust me. I know that it's h-hard to trust s-someone who lied. But... I'm t-trying to help as many p-people as I can, because t-talking is the only thing I'm good at. If it's j-just information.... that's all I have. And it's what I've b-been trying to give away.

[and he pauses - like he's not sure if he should say the rest. still, he's been trying - trying harder and harder every time to be more honest, and so.]

But please b-be careful, saying th-things like that to people. I know that it c-can be hard to trust people here.... and I can only t-try to prove that I'm doing my best to k-keep as many people safe as possible...

I just d-don't want Mizuki-san to f-feel like you're p-playing the game alone.

[ they have a lot of things they could reply to here - mainly, the idea that joining Beauty would somehow be worse for him than leaving him with only a pair of followers (and only one that he trusts), which is so fanciful from their perspective that it almost makes them angry - but his final comment catches them entirely off-guard and leaves them unable to respond to anything else. ]

Playing alone...? I don't understand what you're saying.

[ because of distrust? it's natural to distrust, isn't it? They're not alone - but there are some things that they have to do alone. ]

[senri winces a little bit, and he tries to figure out how to articulate what he wants to say even against the shivers he pulls his blanket closer to him, slowly looking up to meet mizuki's gaze]

If you d-don't trust people here.... and c-can't tell them things, like how I d-don't know if you've t-told Majima-san what you did to me, because I haven't told him either....

[and majima is the one mizuki is closest to, right? so if they don't have him....]

It sounds l-lonely... and I've b-been in a place before where I d-didn't feel like I had any allies. Or anyone in my c-corner, who would c-care about me if s-something happened. If I m-made a mistake.... I only had m-me.

M-Mizuki-san is older, and smarter than I am... but I think that f-feeling isn't a good one. If you're t-trying to help everyone here too.... I d-don't want you to feel like you have to a-act by yourself.

[ That annoys them. Maybe it's because he's hitting close to a truth that even Mizuki doesn't want to acknowledge - a truth that they don't feel like he's earned the right to speak about to them in such bold, vulgar terms. Their expression pinches, in annoyance or maybe something else, though only momentarily; then they continue, more coldly than before. ]

Nito-kun. Worry about yourself first. I'm not going to tell you that again. What I'm doing is none of your business, and what I'm feeling shouldn't even cross your mind. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have some goal you wanted to attain, would you? Have you forgotten about that?

[he hears the coldness and winces - but otherwise doesn't flinch away.]

Of c-course I know that... and I haven't g-given up. But I've n-never played this game thinking that I c-could or sh-should win alone. It's not... Ch-Cheri never asked m-me to hurt anyone, and I never w-would anyway. I'm not a s-sabotage type of p-person.

Everyone here... g-gets more important to me everyday. It's s-stupid and I d-don't know what to do... but -

[senri thinks of something and his expression gets all the more stubborn and determined]

.... I t-told someone I'd be more honest. I'd t-try to be more real. Acting like I d-don't care or know how to p-put some people over others... that'd be a l-lie.

... Are you being honest, or are you making excuses for yourself? I think you should consider that.

[ despite his serious expression, Mizuki doesn't seem convinced. They give a long sigh through their nose, shoulders sagging a little, and rub their neck, tidying up their expression and their tone as best they can until they're something more neutral again. ]

Every "good person" here wants to give everyone a fair shake. You're not the only one who feels that way. But what we want doesn't match up with reality. Whether you're lying or not won't change the situation.

You d-don't know that.... P-People can change and I've s-seen it. It's why I h-h-hate everything here so much, and why I'm s-so mad that people are still hurting each o-other when they d-don't have to. When all of this started Ch-Cheri told me that if we can c-convince everyone to go to one god, we c-can win.

I know that Yu's p-plan didn't work... but there's a way to d-do this without as many p-people getting hurt. I'm still g-going to look for it. Even if M-Mizuki-san doesn't want to help me.

[senri watches mizuki closely - but decides to shake his head and offer a smile, almost like an olive branch. no matter what he really feels, he'd rather move on than talk about something where mizuki clearly disagrees with him. it won't be productive.]

It's okay. Th-That's all I had to ask Mizuki-san. P-Please stay with B-Beauty so no one can hurt him, and I'll f-figure out the rest.

D-Did you need me for something? It's p-probably hard to accept information from someone you s-suspect, but I was honest when I s-said I would rather have someone s-smarter than me know what to do with it.

[ People can change, but the rules can't. They don't quite return that smile - not because they think he's suspicious (although they do), but because his attitude his grating on them. Normally, they'd find that kind of wide-eyed idealism charming, if a little sad; yet for some reason, coming from Senri right now, it's annoying. ]

No... That's all. I just wanted to ask you that. [ they wave a hand. ] Get some rest, Nito-kun.

week 3, saturday

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject